i have a teensy little problem.

i keep feeling like i have a lot to do, which is to clear the backlog of 207 readings, 251 course pack, and actually LOOK at the ppt slides for genes r us (instead of being overconfident and ignoring it). which is, technically, quite a lot (although compared to some other ppl i know it's not too much). i've already completed the poems for creative writing tmr (thank goodness) and now am stuck, once again, on schramm.

if i set my mind to it, i'm in a mood to work hard, and work efficiently right now. but the thing is, i feel wrong. like this-isn't-what-i-should-be-doing-now wrong. and i keep trying to procrastinate to find the SOMETHING that is more exciting and something that i SHOULD be doing right now. which means i waste even more time.

and the thing is, i know it's just me, i don't really have something that needs to be done. unless of course it means dropping out of uni cos i'm screwing myself up there hahaha. ok i should stop joking bout these things one day i really will be kicked out for doing stupid stuff (hint: please watch kai for potential stupid things she might do)

so now i need to FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS.

on the same topic, i have a problem sleeping at night. because my mind is teeming with things and i feel empty. like there's something really important that i'm neglecting in my life, that there's something greater to life that i am not doing right now and should be doing instead. ok i'm rambling but i think you get the idea.

but the WHAT, which is the something, is proving very very elusive.

i know i'm just going on and on and on without really making much sense. but trust me, when you're in such a state of mind, it's hard to reset ur thoughts and put them into more coherent words.

i need to plan time and days to shop with aini and gang for her second present, meet up with zeling, and meet up with xunxi, and my two tuition kids are getting neglected, and i actually wanted to spend more time with my grandma (a secret plan which up till now has not seen the light of day), and...

i guess i want to find another dance class outside.

i've been saying this for weeks and months, years really, but it's never happened. i really don't feel the sense of fulfillment dancing at ntucd, must as i want to deceive myself and everyone else. it doesn't bring me a sense of excitement, it doesn't make me that happy. hccd and nycd just made me so EXCITED, you know? like omg there's practice later! now it's like, oh i have to leave cos i've practice later. it's a duty, a responsibility, cos that's what i expect of my dancers. but i'm not excited in the least. other things, like studies and whatnot, are probably taking parts of my heart out from dance, but heck, i need an environment that makes me excited again about dancing.

i miss it so much, it's like a constant ache. but i can no longer summon up that enthusiasm for dance.

DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN IT. how can this be, when this enthusiasm and happiness was such a huge part of me and my life for so many years. but i also have another problem, i have no time no money and no lobangs. damn it.

and i realise the above line about "i guess i want to find another dance class outside" just sounded SOOOOO enthusiastic. argh.


ok enough whining about my teensy little problem. or many problems, rather. back to 207. lovely COM207 readings i love you so much.


living in my fantasy world

on Sunday, August 30, 2009; 10:35 PM