we like to think we're all grown up, that we're old enough to take care of ourselves in the real world. in reality, i think we all secretly still want to be mothered, to be taken care of, to make only the decisions that we want to make. the difficult things, the dilemmas, we don't want.

i remember, when i was a kid, i used to envy those in ceremonial garb in convocation. my uncle wore it when i was about 3. to me, these people were DAMN OLD. but now, as i creep steadily nearer to such a day (assuming i can graduate), they don't seem so old after all.

21 is the age where we are officially adults. heck, i'm no longer considered a teenager since i crossed the 20 mark. (which reminds me, i felt immense sadness when at 2330 on july 24th jane told me on the taxi that i had half an hour left to being a teenager. sigh.) somehow, i still don't feel that this is mature enough. as it is, many guys (some of them my freshies) have told me that somehow i sound older than them when in reality they are at least a year older than me. but instead of being reassuring, that's scary. i feel i'm immature myself, and that there's so much i need to learn, to know. but people who are just a year older than me and who are even less mature than me have the power to change the world.

the power to vote. the power to decide. the power to change.

if, such power was misused.

if, such power was treated without maturity.

what would happen?

i'm not saying it hasn't been. but the thought is scary. what if the ice age occurred due to some stupid mistake made by the voting body in some higher heaven kind of place (okay this is getting ridiculous but you get the idea).

i am one year away from being eligible to vote. i'm not sure when the next elections will be, but one thing is for certain. i am afraid.

i found myself falling into very pensive moments today. for one thing, i really really miss the time in china, and the gang. for another, i realise that my bocellis really really mean a lot to me as well. there's also the heartbreaking realisation that i've really grown so far away from my sec 4 clique that i no longer feel heartbroken at missing a reunion. although i still do want to go for the subsequent ones.

i always hate the feeling of having to split myself up. yesterday was for bocelli, tomorrow, it's for the dancerfamily, then the gang, then raviolis (damn i miss you stupid pasta people), then friday we've got two performances, then next week i'm meeting rachel, and priscilla, and many many more. i really really want to immerse myself in the period we spent in china, but uploading photos, looking through everyone else's albums, etc. but i can't. i have to deal with the other things as they come.

i make them sound like chores. in reality, i love them. i enjoy myself at all such outings, at all such gatherings. it's a catch 22 situation really, to have to decide which i'd rather do. but ultimately, i'll choose the choice that surrounds me with people all the time.

i have no idea what i'll do if i ever end up in a job that doesn't allow me to meet people. that's why being a journalist or PR appeals so much. i'll get to meet so many people, learn so many things at each moment and each stage of being them.

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enough of this. i'm getting sort of emo. i finally went for dance yesterday (it's past 12 already) after 3 weeks of absence. 4, if you count the week leading up the the first wed i was absent from dance. the feeling of doing barre work was just so shiok freaking awesome. luckily it was also pretty chillax; liying and i were teaching the newcomers and so we only basically did alilang twice. i'm not too sure my body would have been able to take so much stress after being gone for so long.

laoshi noticed our tans >.< she saw us and was like: 去了哪里啊你们两个这么晒得那么黑！okay but she didn't make noise like she did to me last time phew. my aunts and i were debating i said i preferred myself to be fairer and they all argued that i looked much better with this tan. i gave up and gave in in the end. but honestly, i think my features (on the face la) look better with a fairer hue.

now that was a pretty huge contrast. from a very thoughtful post to bimbotic comments. sometimes i wonder if i have split personalities *sniggers*

and it's the second time i've done something so stupid. ARGH. kai kai kai. stop being stupid please grow up.

and i am very glad that i now have a proper working phone of my own janet lim please remind me to return urs soon (: thank you so much i heart you loads for saving me by lending your old one to me despite all the stuff that means so much to you inside. (although it did make things difficult for me cos i cannot save my messages inside hahahaha i had no space and had to delete messages every few minutes) i love you babe and i'll be seeing you tmr right?? i hope ur wisdom extraction was ok >.<

now, finally, good night world!