after last night, all illusions are torn.
i need to relearn so many things, my style is way to set. i need to become more flexible, more in character. i need to learn how to feel true pain, longing, and that sadness borne out of being thrust into something that was never right in the first place. i need to let go of the exuberance that is me, and find the gentle side (which i'm worried does not exist). laoshi says she wouldn't have chosen the wrong person, i do have a gentle side. but i'm doubtful.
i have one year. in this one year, i'll have to let go of a lot of myself.
laoshi told me the original girl who did this part ended up crying each time she did the dance. how able i am to do that, i don't know. righta t the beginning, when we first started it, i felt the pain and longing, but after the long break for exams, i lost everything. i no longer feel anything when i dance, all the technique work, jumps etc, felt like just that, merely showcasing technique, of which mine wasn't strong in the first place. last night, after she crushed me down, i finally understood. it shouldn't be anger, it should be fear, pain, resignation. i hope i can find it in time.
i also have to work so much more for my technique. i've become so used to praises that i've automatically assumed i was alright for most part. now, i know it's not true. my technique is nowhere near where it should be. my jumps have deteriorated since we stopped for the exams, even the easiest jumps which i used to have no problems with is so heavy now. i desperately need to practice more. on my own perhaps, that might be better. but i lack the willpower to focus, to force myself when i'm alone.
on the bright side, canon 450D ((:
now all i've to do is to learn the proper usage/functions, as well as image composition etc that helps me take nice photos.
DAJIE! DSLR does NOT equal nice shots ok! it takes practice and a lot of study hahahhahaha.
living in my fantasy world
on Thursday, May 28, 2009; 3:24 PM
