i missed my clique. especially yuwei, probably since she is the most difficult to locate/keep in contact with. we all swore to keep in contact when we were seperated, yet i guess i am one of those who made the least effort. i'm so ashamed of myself. i'm not going to make excuses and say i'm busy; i was, but i could have made more of an effort. it's not fair to joy and xinying and marlene, who kept planning outings, when i kept mia-ing. and as to yuwei, i just miss her steadfastness, her constant care and support during upper sec years. i remember in sec 3, when i was REALLY REALLY depressed, and one fine day she just looked at me and asked, in all seriousness, "kaishi, are you ok? don't be so depressed, we're all here for you ok?" or something to that extent. but somehow, at that instant, it really woke me up to the fact that there were people who loved and cared for me, and that just because many things like results and r.gym and everything weren't working out, just having people who cared would be enough. and then, that time when she just gave up her place in the dance for sec 3 tchrs day to let me perform instead, cos i missed out on a place cos i wasn't able to be there on dunno which important day -.- seriously, all the little things she does is just so touching. and not to mention she was e one who started our little clique cos of her wonderous drawing, which i'm pretty sure i still have, although it's shelved away somewhere. memories...

and then my family. another family gathering today, at my aunt's place for a bbq. i realise we've all grown to take our gatherings for granted, we don't bother to take photos, we don't do anything significant to put a memory to our gatherings. we just have a great time, play games, do funny things, make jokes, then move on. we're close to the extent that we take everything for granted. what if, one day, ah ma passes on? or something happens that disallows our weekly/sometimes more than weekly gatherings? i think, at least to me, i'm going to treasure them more. every single minute and second we have together. for nothing is eternal. without photos, i'll capture moments in my mind, in my heart. that should be enough.

i hope.

and then, there's just people who you find a deep connection with. a potential good friend. but someone you let slip away because you didn't bother enough to keep the connection. now that the feeling's faded, and times to be spent together is much lesser, i regret it. and i sorely miss it. i just let a person who could have been a great lifetime friend disappear from my life. 

but there's nothing i can do anymore. anything i do now will only seem weird and uncalled for.

for now, i'll just take things a step at a time. reluctantly let time rush pass. and lock memories into the treasure chest kept beside my heart. maybe one day, i'll be able to make sense of life.