i don't mind writing how i really feel here, but somehow, i have problems letting people know how i feel. i may be raging/crying/completely insane on the inside, but it's the same wide smile that'll greet people. unless you count as one of those who are my closest friends, you'll probably never have seen me look unhappy. unless you're a dancer/nanyang girl/ravioli-er or some other group thingy person whom i've broke down in front of due to impending separation. yea i've a slight disability in controlling my tears when eg. i've to leave nycd/FOC/413 etc. but the rest of the time, my face doesn't quite change. neither do my words/actions.i hate it i hate it i hate it. my msgs to people are still chirpy, my msn convos are still full of the smiley face thingy i love to use. but inside, i may be disintegrating. like now. sometimes, i wonder how i actually manage to do it. but i know why i do it. i don't want to affect people, don't want to make them upset/angry what ever other emotion i'm feeling. i just want to keep the mood upbeat, and make every moment a pleasant one for everyone as far as possible. but i hate it when i do it. i'm just not being true to myself. but somehow, i sense that i'll continue to do it. day after day, year after year. i just bottle it all up inside. and give it an hour or so, the feeling dissipates by itself. i wonder if it's even healthy. maybe one day i'll explode and blow up. maybe. but highly doubtful.i wish i had a better outlet.
living in my fantasy world
on Tuesday, July 22, 2008; 8:18 PM
