3rd last prac before cny dance finally goes onstage!!! I'M SUPER SUPER EXCITED! did full run wif costumes today. rly haf to settle for tt. but it's ok! xx says we finally reminded him we're girls -.-was q pissed with myself though. regret gg shopping wif mum again last night. i've been slping at arnd 2am for 5 consecutive nights. including last night, and i went for cca feeling like a zombie. my mind was blank for barre, i could barely rmb e sequences of barre work. i did horribly for tt weird new combination. i screwed up handstand routine. tt short U shaped routine i had to do e second time to get it right. cny dance, i fell e first time, because i din see my chou in frnt of me. and i stepped on it. i feel pissed, and disappointed in myself. disappointed because i could do so much better if i had had an early night last night. disappointed because i feel like i let xx down. and disappointed because i wasted his time, as well as e other dancers'. i seriously hope nobody was following me today, because of all e screw ups. but i noe for a fact tt's jst not rly possible, like e handstand routine cos e other 3 in my grp were j1s. but. i will not keep thinking of this. i have to carry on. a good lesson learnt, i need to be refreshed and charged up for cca. i'm not going to waste ppl's time anymore. and i will learn to be more refined and streamlined in my movements to attain that finesse that seperates the good dancers from mediocre ones. i only hope to be able to achieve that. staying at mediocre is jst not what i want to be.was just listening to wuminghua, alilang's songs. i just realised how long it's been since i last heard the song, let alone watched the videos. rawr. i cannot afford to forget e criteria for e movements. i will make it a point to watch it at least 3 times a week, no matter how busy i am. if not when kou-ing for these dances start again i'll be in trouble, even though liying's always there to bail me out, i shldn't let her do all e work, which is basically wat she's been doing actually anyway. sorry!rawr feeling damn low. was disappointed by someone over this week too. i'm starting to doubt the parting words frm last last year. it seems like once u've left, you dun belong anymore. perhaps i shld have abandoned the disillusion that we still do a long time ago.but. listening to the music of the old just tugs at my heart strings all over again. i'm missing the old times, although with less frequencies now. i think i've accepted my situation. where i am, and i've kan kai on several issues.first. tt day when i was walking past HER. i usually feel irritated, and feel like, dunno, getting the better of her even if i dun noe how i'm gonna do tt. but tt day i jst felt like nth happened, and i even felt a sort of elation that i've gotten over that stage of my life and emerged stronger for it. :) and i'm glad i wasn't blinded by fake niceness and identified the bad side early.second. things are a lot better now. i'm not as weirdly off as i was. although no sense of belonging is there, at least i dun feel very uncomfortable now. and more. but i can't really think of them now, even though my mind was brimming with so many things to write before i started this entry.i'm feeling awfullly emo now. i wish i wasn't so weak and prone to tears.okok talk about happy stuff.the dancer family finally found a day when we have a common break! we still dunno how it came about -.- but... FRIDAY BREAKS!!! :))) so super looking forward to it.making that peanut cookie thing at my place tmr! damn fun. i love the new year because the whole extended family comes tgt to make all sorts of things, buy clothes at ergu's shop tgt and do so many things tgt! i love my family. even though i dun always agree with every single member and may get irritated at times, they're still family :)oh now i get a warm fuzzy feeling. but it can't be pms. hmm.it's stj now. wat the hell am i doing here??? rawr. all because mum din let me go -.- and i carn bring myself to take my fren's advice and jsut dun go hm after cca. it's jst not me to disobey my parents like that. u can call me loser or watever. i dun care. hopefully i'll be able to go for jts though. if not there's probably no more bonding sessions wif e jnrs le.i realised i'm not as strong as i always thought i was, nor as confident as i always look. maybe it's sth to do with my surroundings now. perhaps i rly was more confident and strong in the past. now, i'm definitely not. i rly on people too much. and i'm easily affected. and i nd my close frens. take them away and i'm crumble fully from within. that's jst how dependant i am on them, i've jst realised. even if they're jst making me laugh. they brighten up my day and make things seem less heavy. rly, thanks, dancer family, sam, mq, joy, and you, though we're now on opposite ends of the spectrum now.it's been q a long post, yet i still feel like saying so much. i need to learn so much. despite having learnt to accept things as they are, i still have to learn to accept more. i need to learn tolerance. i nd to learn interpersonal skills again. it seems like i've lost mine. i need to learn to love people again, other than the ones i've mentioned in e above paragraph and my family. disillusionment and made me lose faith in people. i need to learn, to be more observant and careful. for daily life as well as dancing. to gain that finesse i so desperatedly seek. i need to learn. i want to learn all about life.goodness. i've really no idea why i'm thinking of so many things now. salt centre :) i like. big, spacious, and the actual stage size. and i'm in love with e syf dance! it's jst super fun. and my style :) as in the highness/ constant enthuness of it :) but but but i still think tt part resembles liying more than me ok dajie! DUN ARGUE. i'm right :)))liting you please please take care k! of tt flu, throat and back. we're very close to performing! and DUN BOTTLE UP. i'm always here as your ear! GET WELL SOON! :)-and the moolight falls on the water. forming a beautiful picture that's otherworldly, yet of our world. -
living in my fantasy world
on Saturday, February 03, 2007; 7:21 PM
